Despite not accepting adulthood gracefully, I’m actually pretty good at my job. So sometimes I think I’ve just made some mistakes along the way. I just have to make things right and everything will start to progress again.
Not to be all special snowflake and all, but I guess I sometimes think of myself as a star. It’s just not yet my time, I’m young, I’m finding myself, etc,.
And then sometimes I think I’m the wagon, and I’ve been hitching myself to the wrong star over and over again. Every time I unhook myself, I fall back to earth and have to find a new ride.
When I head back up, I wonder if this is the right star for me. Will it shine as brightly as I hope? I get a little higher and brighter each time. Falling back to earth is a longer, harder, and more painful journey.
I ask mom what’s for dinner tonight and she mentions that Grandma is making chicken soup.
I tell my parents I plan to go to the gym today, so they ask me to stop by and visit my grandparents beforehand.
A few hours later I get an email from my dad saying we’re having dumplings tonight and can everyone help make them.
I don’t know how I got so fragile, but I read that email and almost burst into tears. I’m hovering on the edge of absolutely crippling anxiety because I can’t get a handle on being an adult. I’m paying for an expensive gym membership but I never go to the gym, and it seems like every time I think it’s a good time to go to the gym something happens where I feel like I can’t go.
I’m having a nervous breakdown, maybe. Anything at this point could set it off. Is this a life crisis?
I can’t do anything except look at photos of bunnies and puppies. I can barely get out of bed most mornings without scrolling through happy photos of fat small dogs on instagram first.
One of the more helpful and insightful things I’ve seen about depression/suicide in the last couple of days.
It’s important to look at things the other way sometimes.